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Isn't it such an irony?
It reminds me of a motto I had when I first began, one that I have long forgotten: What's the use of saving somebody's life if you can't save their souls? Of course, give me a dying patient any day and I will do my utmost to save them, but you get my point. I hope I don't just do the former and forget about the latter.
- Mood:
calm
It's been an awesome one, I went to Portugal! It's such a beautiful place, almost magical. It always make me sad to see how the states of countries now can only shadow their formal glory.
Results are apparently coming out this Wednesday. I've always been the kind who wants to know my results as quickly as possible, good or bad, but this is one I'm dreading... It will determine whether my summer break spans 5 or 3 weeks (though the real determinant may be the exams in July)... So, cross my fingers and pray for the best!
French oral exam in slightly more than a week's time and I'm supeerrr unprepared... One entire year of not practising french, I need to start talking to myself in French... Maybe I should write this in French...
Bonjour. Bienvenue a mon blog. Mon français est très mauvais!!! Tasukete!!! Ok see what I mean. Even my Japanese pops out more spontaneously than French. Sigh.
Anyway, I went to the gym twice last week. You should be proud of me! I think going with friends really does motivate you. Now to see if this motivation continues...
- Mood:
rushed
Have any of you ever felt that the less you cook, the worse your cooking skills get? Since I've started this rotation I've hardly had time to cook - I only have time to cook on weekends! But I never thought that by NOT cooking, my food would deteriorate in quality... even the same dishes that I used to cook! :( Sigh... sad times.
Going to another church tomorrow as my regular church will be closed (we rent the place so sometimes other people want to rent it on saturdays too). I plan to pack my own lunch and eat it in Hyde Park in the midst of the blooming daffodils and the spring sun!
On a sadder note... Was going to bring a friend and her visiting friend to church tomorrow but her friend said she wasn't comfortable going to an SDA church. :( sad. Friends, don't judge if you don't know what we believe in - other people's accounts of us is inevitably biased. Give yourself a chance, give God a chance.
Been missing both the piano and the harp badly :( I finally found the time to pop by Evelina Children's Hospital which has a bright red grand piano in the middle of an atrium, free for anyone to play, to find that the atrium is under renovation DD: I've even made a list of all the songs I want to try playing!
Mmm.. more disconnected ramblings... I bought 2 new medical books! :DD yayyy!! Managed to save quite some money by buying them off amazon/ebay, only to realise that I chalked up almost £6 worth of library fines due to my 10 overdue books DDD:
- Mood:
cheerful
Ok, so some sort of a mini breakthrough - perhaps, just perhaps, I've found that I'm interested in a particular specialty. Not going to say what, but for the first time, I watch an operation and I feel like I actually would like to do that. Perhaps, just perhaps, it's an indication that I'm interested in this field. I'm being very cautious here, because it's way too early, but it's definitely a step forward from the wishy-washy views I have had towards the kind of medicine I've been exposed to so far.
Finally, something to work towards - as opposed to just 'graduating' - it feels great!
- Mood:
hopeful
update: and when satan refuses too. >:((
Been seeing a lot of psychiatry patients (entirely psych, actually) and I find it emotionally draining sometimes - having to detach yourself from the patient's woes and cries or else you'll be sucked into their sadness as well. I've seen cases where they've had their lives totally turned around for the better after medication, and seen others where they're just stuck in depression and nothing seems to be working. The latter are the most difficult to manage - you wonder yourself if you're doing any good, at all.
I feel I can identify with many of the patients, which makes me able to show empathy better but which also means I get more affected. My colleagues think that their problems can be easily solved with doing this, and doing that, and getting a grip on themselves, while I sometimes question if they will ever be able to get out of their situation (which is totally pessimistic).
I still feel psychiatry is very interesting, and although it's not good for me to feel affected, even the consultant admitted that it is quite psychological to see non-compliant, non-responsive patients every single day. But I still feel it is a very worthwhile area to do - even if you can't help everybody, perhaps that one life that you managed to change, managed to help, managed to get back on the track of life again, who will then help many others, makes it all worth it.
For now, shall just trudge along...
- Mood:
gloomy
- Mood: calm
Clinics have been amazing, I feel that I'm learning things that are far more useful than what I've been learning in the past 2 years. Seeing how grateful the patients are towards what the doctors have done for them is also always so heartwarming. I'm so glad that most of the consultants and HOs have been so kind and welcoming to us students too (the ones we've met so far, at least!) :P
Now on to something I am desperately thinking about...
It's easy to say no.
It's easy to take the back seat.
It's easy to follow instructions, and never hold responsibility.
But is that what God wants me to do? Is that what my purpose in life should be for?
Dilemmas, crossroads, decisions. Important ones that will affect the next few years of my life, and possibly my future as well.
All my life, I've never seen myself as somebody at the forefront, aiming to be at the top, or instinctively wanting to lead. I've always felt comfortable being in the background, doing backstage work, working in my own igloo. Yet time and time again, I always land in circumstances that push me to do more, to be responsible for more, to challenge myself. Not by my own effort, but entirely by His. And this time, He's done it again. Even when I'm pushing it away; when I'm ignoring reality; when I'm denying responsibility, He puts it right back in my face.
To accept this opportunity or not to? I will have to evaluate myself if I'm doing this for the right purpose, right goals, right intentions.
- Mood:
confused
